Beth's Sexy Video Round-Up

Stand and Deliver: Adam Ant Did it First, and Best

Good evening! This is my first drunken blog post and, ironically enough, it’s about known teetotaler Adam Ant.  Adam and the Ants’ Stand and Deliver from ‘81 is, in my opinion, the best example of “Dandy Highwayman” swagger Sir Ant has ever (stood and) delivered. With the help of the British pop culture puppet-master extraordinaire Malcom McLaren, Adam Ant crafted an image which blended 18th Century stage coach robber, pirate, American Indian, and all-around fabulous gay man in a way never before seen. He sold it with such aplomb; and what a sexy, sexy man who offered us this intriguing package. Adam Ant is truly one of the hottest stars of the 80s. The man could make precision cuts with those cheek bones for Christs-sake! I cordially invite you to eat my shorts, Johnny Depp! Jack Sparrow is simply a pale, withered hull of Adam Ant.

I’ll keep this short because I have some Gewurztraminer getting warm right now, but if you’re as intrigued by Adam and and the general New Romantic, Post-Punk, World-Beat shape of the 80s as I; please, please, please school yourself on the late Malcom McLaren and his de facto wife Vivienne Westwood. I recommend the rare-but-worth-it Impresario: Malcom McLaren & the British New Wave, a catalogue of the New Museum of Contemporary Art’s 1988 exhibition detailing the impact McLaren had upon art, music, fashion and the collective conscious since the early 70s.

P.S. Could some daring man please resurrect the singular white stripe across the cheeks and nose-bridge, please? Can we make it the hipster, handle-bar mustache of 2012?

Sexiness in one word: Dandy

There’s Something Going On: Sexy Sleuthing ABBA Style

While on a break from ABBA in 1982, Frida (Anni-Fred Lyngstad) gave us this sweet, sweet sonic nugget called There’s Something Gong On. The video delivered on some equally awesome visuals. I loved this song since the first time I heard the drive of the opening beat (Phil Collins on drums, by the way), and I’m smitten with the way the video is an early 80s fashion time capsule. 

You just know you’re asking for trouble when you date a photographer swimming in models, and poor Frida is no exception. But, why, why, why would a man ever want to cheat on such a Euro-fab woman? I can’t get over her deft grasp of fashion at 1:27. She reclines in all her glory replete with white pantsuit, pink Flo Henderson hair and dripping with gold accents. Nonetheless, she dons the requisite 80s trench at 1:34 and we know she’s on a mission. What was up with trench coats and illicit matters of the heart in the 80s anyway (see my earlier post for Duran Duran’s The Chauffeur)?

My favorite part is her water taxi sleuthing at 2:30. It just strikes me as such a refined, European means of stalking. If I was keeping tabs on an unfaithful lover, I’d want to do it from an elegant, cosmopolitan canal system as well…maybe with a latte and some pain-au-chocolate in tow. Final verdict: Don’t even worry about this guy, Frida! You’ve got a kick-ass apartment with an excellent angular lighting scheme, and style to last all day. You’re clearly doing it for yourself, Honey.

Sexiness in one word: Spy

The Chauffeur: Girl-on-Girl Action for the Intellectual Set

Duran Duran could do no wrong in the early 80s, and that’s why they’re on this blog for round deux with their 1983 cult classic video for The Chauffeur. This moody, mysterious narrative drips with elegance and thigh-highs. Really, if you want women in stockings and garters, this is the video for you.

Tragically, my Simon Le Bon and his divine lips are nowhere to be found in this offering; but I’m so engrossed in the clear homage to Helmut Newton’s leg fetish, I almost don’t care (almost). Rather, I’m transfixed by the high 80s boudoir shots of a disaffected aristocrat during her deliberate dressing ritual at 1:59. Then she looks just as gorgeous as we see her determined, haunting walk through a car park at 2:13. We know what you’re (not) wearing under that coat, you naughty, naughty minx! Note to self: get a sweet trench, slick hair back, be hot.

We can sense a tension building to the moment when these women finally meet at 3:00 to consummate their forbidden love. They simply dance, touching palms; subtle, restrained, yet sexually charged. I imagine this is how Grace Kelly would play a lesbian. It’s not what we see with these lovers, but what we imagine. But the real coup de grace is the chauffeur suddenly becoming female, baring her breasts and an excellent corset, then engaging in an even more excellent interpretive dance. Honestly, I forget she’s topless as she writhes hypnotically. It’s so achingly beautiful and well worth the wait of the entire video. (Side note: the chauffeur is Peri Lister, Billy Idol’s long-time girlfriend from the 80s. Some girls have all the luck!).

I cannot believe this video is from ‘83. Black underwear and restraint are timeless!

Sexiness in one word: Suggestion

Push It: Strong Women Take the Mic

Goddamn, this song never gets old! Salt-N-Pepa’s ‘87 hit Push It blew the doors off the boys club of MCing, and is such a kick-ass testament to female sexual aggression. Ladies: Who amongst you doesn’t gyrate as soon as you hear the first “ahhh, push it?” You can’t help it. It’s a reflex.

Salt, Pepa and Spindarella had no qualms about telling a man when and how they wanted it pushed…and that would be “real good.” These girls have some serious late-80s moves with an incredible energy; and a paired-down, concert video was a superb showcase for their powerful stage presence. They were confident about their bodies, their sexual proclivities, and their ability to rock a mic - and they had such fun doing it! That’s about as sexy as it gets.

I am simply dying over their look! I’ve wanted to pair up with a girlfriend to be S-N-P for Halloween for some yeas now, but I can’t find the perfect red boots. And how perfect they are!!! I’m such a sucker for some good mid-calf boots and I’d probably trade my David Yurman bracelets for the ones in this video. I don’t know how they didn’t get some brutal face and chest bruises from spinning and air-humping in those giant earrings and chains; but the over-the-top accesories were spot-on. Finally, spandex body suits have got to make a comeback, and I’ll be damned if I’m not on that bandwagon.

Oh, let’s not forget the hair! Pepa’s bleached, asymetrical bob launched a huge trend in African-American female hair. Strangely enough, her shaved head was the result of a relaxer accident. Part of her hair burned off due to over-processing, and she added the lines above her ear with an eye brow pencil. Way to turn it into lemonade, Pep!

Sexiness in One Word: Power

Take On Me: So Beautiful it Hurts

This is the most visually stunning music video of all time. It’s not hyperbole, folks. It’s just fact. Rotoscope animation wasn’t new when A-Ha created their video for 84’s Take on Me; rather, it was elevated to mesmerizing new heights and hasn’t been equaled since. I think many children of the era would recognize this as, perhaps, the quintessential 80s video (the overrated Thriller can suck it). Who didn’t audibly gasp the first time they saw that hand coming out of the comic book at :59? Take on Me truly marked a moment where concept, visual effects and narrative development coalesced so perfectly with a song, that the whole genre of music video was sublimated to a valid art form.

The sexiness of this video lies in it’s ground-breaking innovation, but front-man Morten Harket doesn’t hurt. Am I right ladies??? And gays??? Seriously, this guy is, like, the Norse god of angular, pretty men. And what an adorable girl as his love interest! I wanted to be her when I was a kid, and I was fumingly jealous to learn later in life that she dated Harket after this shoot (thank you, Pop-Up Video).

It’s so tragic that this was the only real A-Ha hit in the U.S. when the album on which it’s featured (Hunting High and Low) is so fantastic. Harket’s falsetto is just astounding, and it warrants you enjoy it in more than one song for the rest of your life! I listened to the entire album on a train across the Swiss Alps, and I was transported to the Europe of yesterday…I imagined myself in a draped scarf and a beret courtesy of United Colors of Benetton, eating Ritter Sport and Toblerone. Download Hunting High and Low. You won’t be sorry.

Sexiness in one word: Animated

Cradle of Love: This Is How a Porn Begins

At the behest of my husband, I give you Billy Idol’s Cradle of Love just making the cut in 1990. Okay, I’ve been putting this one off not due to it’s lack of sexiness, but because it just so obviously belongs here. I was going to save it for a particularly dry period in my youtube trawling, but Chris’ boner for this video has apparently reached critical mass.

So, here we meet Nerdy McNerdovich in the safe confines of his yuppie lair; and who pops by, but “Devon” who needs to use his tape deck. Tape Deck! Ha! By the way, I know this song is called Cradle of Love, but is this actress 12? Should somebody have looked into the child welfare laws on this one? Well, Devon can’t act her way out of a paper bag, but I don’t think she was cast in this video for her grasp of natural banter. There’s a bit of late 80s over-kill with the head band, giant earrings and driving gloves (really?), but those things won’t be in the way too much longer. From the opening drum beat and incredible swagger of that first guitar riff, you just know somebody’s clothing is coming off. Confession: This is the song I would strip to, if I was forced to strip to save my mortal soul.

What follows is a pretty hot, extended dance scene. Do I even need to describe it? Yes. 3:44 has got to be the most memorable part of this video. The split-on-the-bed has stuck with me since I saw this as a kid. I remember thinking, “I want to do that when I grow up.” Though, I would have preferred Billy Idol in the apartment instead of a geek-ass stock broker. At 4:29 we get to enjoy the ever-popular, and ever-stimulating hot girl crawling across the floor. HELLO!!! This was something of a trend in 90 (see my earlier post for Madonna’s Express Yourself).

It’s fairly surprising that Billy himself plays such a small role in the background. He’s no stranger to immersing himself in the deliciousness of his videos. In fact, he usually is the deliciousness. Billy idol was confined to a wheelchair during this shoot due to a serious motorcycle accident hence we only see him from the waist-up. Thank God he was able to walk and rock again. He’s still a sexy mother to this day. Don’t worry, people, he’ll show up fully functional in this blog again. Mark my words.

Now, I can’t help but give a kudos to all the artwork in this video that so aptly describes the level of yup we’re dealing with in our frazzled protagonist. We’ve got the requisite Warhol prints; some sort of Louise Bourgeois-type spider sculpture; and a horrific Julian Schnable 80s, plate assemblage mess. How satisfying to see that thing smash to pieces from the power of Idol’s raucous jams! I just dig those little touches of poking fun at the art elite. But, pardon my own nerdiness.

Sexiness in one word: Jailbait (okay, I made two words into one; but it’s my blog!)

Cars: Less is More…Sexy

My God! I’ve been neglecting my blog! My regrets, truly!

But, let’s get down to business: Gary Neman’s 1980 hit Cars is a perfectly-cut diamond in the treasure chest that is the 80s, both aesthetically and sonically. Don’t deny it - you get chills from the first wobbly strains of that synthesizer. I get chills when I see Numan - the sexy, androgynous robot - walk by the shimmering neon as he broods in the first seconds.  And then slow-mo to him entering that pyramid and taking the mic with absolute command at :14 - :20. God! I fucking love that scene!!! Did Dan Flavin design this set, or what? Pardon my art historical nerdiness, but the stark beauty evoked by the 70s Minimalism of the Flavin-esque light configuration is the perfect complement to Numan’s mechanical persona.

Numan channels something between Bowie, Kraftwerk and android with his sleek, understated goth makeup; fitted black suit (at 3:17); and wooden stage presence. Interestingly, Numan’s minimal movement is due to his social autism and extreme stage fright. I read something about him saying that while his band mates would be partying it up before a gig, he was quite literally on the verge of shitting his pants…Not sexy, but pretty surprising seeing as how this guy managed to become a giant pop star.

There are some moments to video that, while not exactly sexy, are just sweetly nostalgic: the Numan-in-tambourine at :51, the Numan-glididing-across-keyboard at 2:41….and is that Gene Simmons on drums at 2:20? These are the effects and flourishes which make 80s videos so enjoyable. You just can’t get away with that shit now, and it makes me long for the good old days. By the way, it just me, or is it really ironic that the video for a song entirely about cars doesn’t feature a single automobile? I don’t care, I love Gary Numan and I love this video.

Sexiness in one (hyphenated) word: Auto-erotic

Let Me Go: Fitted British Men

Heaven 17’s 1983 hit Let Me Go is one of my favorite songs of all time. I remember loving it as a kid and it took 20 years, a British boyfriend, and the advent of youtube to help me figure out the name of the song and who sang it. It’s such a nostalgic trip, and one of my first love affairs with that unmistakable 80s synth sound which is, like, my personal cocaine. The video is a sweepingly beautiful testament to the equally singular song.

We open with three Brits looking utterly irresistible in their fitted, 50s throw-back business suits. This was a bit of a trend in the early 80s (see Dave Gahan and Martin Gore, right) which I believe stemmed from the New Romantic movement. Sure, the typical New Romantic looked like an affected, Baroque pirate; but I think that the dapper, film noir, 50s detective look encompassed that longing for a time of tailored and belabored fashion.

At :34 we have some great shots of our fashionable men walking with determination, and a lot of confusion, down an eerily deserted London(?) street. It’s so brilliantly cinematic - but it gets better! At 1:08 is one of the most achingly gorgeous scenes in a music video ever. Lovely, blonde front-man Glenn Gregory runs in slow-mo down this lonely street. Why do I love this so much? Why has it haunted me since I was 4? I have no idea! But this video could just be a loop of that scene, and I’d be enchanted. Take a lesson boys: sometimes women want to see you fitted and meticulous….also, it helps if you’re English.

Sexiness in one word: Dapper

Yes.

(via radical32)

Chinese Eyes: Making Heroin Use Hot

Now it’s time for some deep cuts: I stumbled upon Fancy’s ‘84 semi-obscure Chinese Eyes when I was trawling Youtube for Italo Disco one day, and I was blown away! Not only is this ode to heroin addiction one of the most infectious songs ever, but the video is a real celebration of S&M. Now, you can’t convince me that Fancy (relatively well known in Germany, like the ‘Hof) is not gay. I just won’t buy it. But, what a deliciously hot hetero interplay in this video!

At 0:14 a woman strolls by in stunning 80s fashion which sublimates the giant shoulder pad to new sadistic heights. Then, enter her more evil twin in full post-apocalyptic, Mad Max motorcycle gear replete with spiked foot-ball shoulder pads, a chain maille hood and some…uhh…armor-plated gardening gloves? I’m pretty sure this spiky woman is the personification of Fancy’s apparent addiction (“Chinese eyes” being a euphemism for slipping blissfully away into a heroin high). She’s intoxicating pleasure (see the bonerrific telephone booth make-out scene and naughty, naughty silhouettes from 1:10 to 1:42)  and cruel mistress all at once (bloody smears at 3:10). And check out the prolonged nipple at 2:22! What?!?! Good for Fancy for honoring the small breast! Though, it further fuels my suspicions that he’s gay.

Straight, gay or otherwise, no guy should get a massage from this vixen unless they’re in the market for a very unhappy ending…and that’s what I dig about her!

Sexiness in one Word: Bondage